


I Can't Believe Apple Trees Don't Make Up For Parrots

by SasukeUzumaki



Series: The Marriage: Naruto and Sasuke's Strange Relationship (Discontinued) [3]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Because let me guarantee you this fic lacks both, But do we really care about the word count?, I'm actually not sure of the word count, Life is amazing, M/M, Or just the quality the fic holds?, Shorter read I think, Sorry I've been gone so long!, jk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-18 16:16:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15489777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SasukeUzumaki/pseuds/SasukeUzumaki
Summary: Sasuke has gone over the deep end a while ago, everyone knew that, and Sasuke is glad they know, since that means they won't expect much of him. Apparently this ignoring of his character flaws doesn't include ignoring his surprise for Naruto. See, Naruto could kind of take the apple tree in the living room, but the parrot was a bit far.





	I Can't Believe Apple Trees Don't Make Up For Parrots

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Sorry I've been gone for forever! I've been working on original stuff + living life which isn't so great but eh, it happens.
> 
> My URL on Tumblr (for the moment I tend to change occasionally) is stoprightthereyoucriminalscum (I think it was here on AO3 someone asked for my URL). I'm hella awkward but I'm getting back into socializing, so I'd love to talk!
> 
> I'm attending a convention in Dallas next month so like, I might have more inspiration after that??? Or maybe I'll work on my book more rip. I feel bad! I'm working on my stuff and y'all just here like "When this bitch gonna post again?" and I don't and I get sad. My momma like "Don't abandon these poor people!" bc like actually my mother is a huge NaruSasu shipper so there's that. She's very supportive of my original stuff, too.
> 
> This was very long I'm sorry I just want to talk lol. Hope you enjoy (especially since I feel there's been a lack of rants on Sasuke's part)

Life is good. Very good, in fact. Sasuke has come to this conclusion based on three main facts:

 

  1. He is married to the most amazing man in the universe
  2. He has a shit ton of snakes that he loves equally… or so he says, and
  3. Sasuke is very, very sure Naruto will appreciate his thoughtfulness (towards himself but hey, thoughtfulness is thoughtfulness in the long run, no matter who it’s pointed to)



 

Naruto is blissfully unaware of number 3, which is wonderful, because Sasuke is determined to surprise him. Everything is going according to plan! Sasuke is very pleased.

 

“...when did you start talking in the third person?”

 

Sasuke glares at his student.

 

“You shouldn’t eavesdrop on other’s conversations. It’s rude.”

 

“Your conversation… with yourself?” The student asks.

 

“Yes.”

 

“...the one you started in the middle of the lecture?” A request for clarification.

 

Sasuke stares the student in the eyes.

 

“Do you question me?”

 

“Actually yes, I do.”

 

Sasuke crosses his arms. “How dare you come in here and question me, in my own home.”

 

Another student perks up. “You live here?”

 

“If you knew how much work I put into my teaching, you’d know fully well I live here.” Sasuke points to a large cupboard of sorts in the corner of the room. “That’s where I sleep. Like a coffin.”

 

“You’re expecting to die here?”

 

“If not here, then where else?”

 

The students exchange weary glances. Mr. Uzumaki sure went off the deep end when he hooked up with Naruto.

* * *

 

“Do you remember when you were a rational man?”

 

Sasuke gives Naruto a strange look. “Whatever in the world do you mean? I’ve never been rational.”

 

Naruto sighs. “You sure used to seem like it. You okay?”

 

“I’m fine.” Sasuke replies.

 

“You’ve sure been acting strange the past few days.”

 

“Nothing is wrong, Naruto, I assure you.”

 

They enter their house, filled with snakes, of course. Naruto eyes the corner in the living room as they walk in.

 

“...what is that?” Naruto asks.

 

“What?” Sasuke looks where Naruto’s gaze has settled. “Ah, that! I meant to tell you.”

 

“Tell me what?”

 

“That we had some visitors.”

 

“Visitors?” Naruto quirks a brow.

 

“Yes. Of the… extraterrestrial kind.”

 

“Mm-hm.” Naruto crosses his arms.

 

“Yes, and they decided that I was worthy, worthy of being the first human they made contact with! And, knowing me, as you do, they thought that I might be the only human they speak to, since I’m a little strange according to their customs.” Sasuke places a hand on Naruto’s chest. “Oh, their customs were weird, they only communicated through light shows and aggressive dancing. I got my work out in for the week.”

 

“Alright.”

 

“Yeah, so they decided that they’d be kind enough to gift us this, uh…” Sasuke glances at the object in question. “I’m actually not quite sure what the fuck it is, to be honest. Probably alien.”

 

“Or, maybe, just maybe, you brought an apple tree in the living room.”

 

“Ah, yes, they did tell me about these apples, but their word for “apple”, which is a very impressive breakdance style of the chicken dance, is very close to their word for overlord, which is a breakdance slash waltz slash swing style of the chicken dance. You would not believe how close those are.”

 

“It’s on its side, Sasuke. It’s too big for the living room.”

 

“I think it looks lovely - sort of, modern-yet-mediocre-albeit-kinda-shit-art sort of sense, wouldn’t you say?” Sasuke tilts his head.

 

“How in the ever living fresh fuck did you get a almost fully grown apple tree in our living room? Just how strong are you?”

 

“Don’t underestimate me, Naruto, I can do a lot - I mean, the aliens helped me.”

 

Naruto frowns. He’s a little worried about this newfound knowledge about his husband. That’s some impressive strength, and he’s maybe thinking its manifested itself in the wrong man. Still, he couldn’t help but be a little impressed and/or proud of his tiny lover.

 

“Please, don’t bring anymore trees into the house, Sasuke.”

 

“Alright, no more trees.”

 

Naruto narrows his eyes.

 

“Why did you emphasize trees?”

 

“Uh, well, see, the English language is very strange, and as I, an English teacher, would know, emphasizing -”

 

“THERE’S METH IN THE TRUNK!”

 

Naruto blinks at Sasuke. “What the fuck was that?”

 

Sasuke shifts his weight to his other foot. “Pierro Rhosemayrie Ritardando Crescendo Jalapeno Ricardo Mitsubishi French Friday Hooter-McHooterson.”

 

Naruto pauses for a moment. “Excuse me?”

 

“I said, he’s Pierro Rhosemayrie -”

 

“He’s? What’s the he?”

 

“THERE’S METH IN THE TRUNK!”

 

“...he was cute, Naruto! I found him on Craigslist.”

 

“What is he?”

 

“...a parrot.”

 

“You bought a fucking parrot? On Craigslist?”

 

“Oh, Naruto, give him a chance -”

 

“He screams there’s meth in the trunk?”

 

“He’s had a very strange life, Naruto, and who are we to judge another man by the struggles he’s faced and not the changes he’s made and the lessons he’s learned?”

 

“...you mean screaming there’s meth in the trunk?”

 

“THERE’S METH IN THE TRUNK!”

 

“Well, we can train him to say something better.” Sasuke purses his lips. “Like… tax benefits. Or nuclear disarmament.”

 

“Why would we want a parrot that says tax benefits or nuclear disarmament?”

 

“Would you rather have a parrot that screams -”

 

“THERE’S METH IN THE TRUNK!”

 

Naruto sighs. “You are banned from Craigslist. For life.”

 

“That’s too bad. I was really thinking about buying your silverware back.”

 

“We already got it back from Tenmari.”

 

“But we didn’t get it back from…” Sasuke trails off as he sees the anger in Naruto’s face. “Santa Clause?”

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

 

“I’m not sure we want to get into that today, dear, it’s too late.”

 

“It’s 6pm, we go to bed at 10, isn’t 4 hours enough?”

 

“How long have you known me, Naruto? Are you even my husband?” Sasuke scoffs. “We need at least 10 hours plus a lunch break.”

* * *

 

“So, how did your surprise go?” Sakura asks Sasuke when he walks by her door.

 

“He’s upset about the tree.”

 

“Oh, that’s too bad.”

 

“Yeah, I was hoping it would lessen the blow of Pierro Rhosemayrie Ritardando Crescendo Jalapeno Ricardo Mitsubishi French Friday Hooter-McHooterson, but apparently it doesn’t.”

 

“I’m sorry, lessen the blow of what now?”

 

“Pierro Rhosemayrie Ritardando Crescendo Jalapeno Ricardo Mitsubishi French Friday Hooter-McHooterson. Our parrot that screams about meth in the trunk.”

 

“Sasuke, I’m not sure anything could lessen that blow, especially a small tree.”

 

“Oh no, it was a fully grown tree.”

 

“Good god, Sasuke!”

 

“I am a good god, thank you.”

* * *

Sakura swings by Naruto’s classroom at the end of the day.

 

“I’m so, so sorry.”

 

“About the bird, or the tree?”

 

“Everything, dude. What the fuck is going on in your life?”

 

“Love, Sakura, love.” Sakura gives Naruto a look. “Okay, he’s amazing in bed, too, but I like to think I do what I do out of love.”

**Author's Note:**

> *The parrot that screams there's meth in the trunk is a reference to another fic, How I Met My Husband, in which the parrot is a part of one of Naruto's stories. Thought I'd point that out lol.


End file.
